I experience two types of restlessness of heart, and often confuse them. 

Normal restlessness

The first is caused by my own insecurity which causes me to seek signs of hope in the world around. That either leads to fixating on things that inspire me superficially while avoiding the rest of reality (like following my football team). I see this happening in others, especially in social media where questionable ideas gain massive ‘likes’.

Or I find myself determinedly studying the news for signs of hope. But that can lead to exhaustion and disenchantment, sometimes downright pessimism about the world. I think I see signs of these symptoms in many other people I know and hear about. So many people today stress how instable the world is.

Of course these feelings can come from something peptic in my body, but that is easy to spot with a bit of self-diagnosis. 

Spiritual restlessness

The second form of restlessness of heart that I experience is the thirst for God. Sometimes I feel like the woman searching for her lover in the Song of Songs – no peace until I rest in God. This urgency is far from permanent. Sometimes I just have a calm seeking of his face in contemplation, at other times there is a blank and I have to make myself seek his face. I wish I had the urgency of a lover all the time, but as I seek God’s face in contemplation this fervour is becoming a bit more frequent.

When I study the saints, though, I am aware that it is not right to only want this fervour to be permanent. They are gradually led to seek a share in the love of Christ which causes Jesus intense suffering until all are saved. In chapter 4 above, I quoted what St Paul wrote in Philippians 3: 10. He says ‘All I want is to know Christ and the power of his resurrection’; what I did not quote is the rest of what he says in that verse: ‘and to share his sufferings by reproducing the pattern of his death’. Here I hesitate.

I think that I am going to have to go round and round a lot of times to reach that generous attitude.

I am sure that Jesus wants to lead us deeply into letting his love so burn in our hearts that we are not daunted by the prospect of pain, but are increasingly eager to pay any price for the healing of humanity.

I have come across people who have shone with light and joy in the midst of horrendous suffering. They have been graced with love far greater than mine. I think they are examples of what the Holy Spirit can do in willing souls.

All I know is that I can be like that, but it seems to be a slow development. There seems to be so much brokenness in me that Jesus wants to heal first. Jesus says in the Beatitudes ‘blessed are the pure in heart they shall see God’ (Matthew 5: 8). My heart needs much purifying until I am transfigured by Christ’s love.

The battery that charges the Church

Forgetting myself now, I have throughout my priestly life visited and taken Communion to hundreds of sick and housebound people. It still causes me awe how the vast majority bore great suffering in deep faith and trust. In our ministry, Anne and I have always believed that the main battery that charges the parish is the prayer of these people and the elderly.

Do you suffer and feel all is a waste of time and useless? Or has our loving Lord inspired you with a sense that it is all being used to lift the world into the goodness of his Kingdom? Don't let your suffering be wasted. I know people with no faith often suffer with great stoicism, but that takes a great effort and is characterised by pessimism. Christian, you are being invited to have a special ministry in the Royal Priesthood of the baptised!

Let us not forget the cosmic nature of the prayer of Jesus that we share in. In the wonderful Chapter 8 of his letter to the Romans, St Paul tells us: "The whole creation is eagerly waiting for God to reveal his sons (and daughters)... creation still retains the hope of being freed, like us, from its slavery to decadence, to enjoy the same freedom and glory as the children of God. From the beginning till now the entire creation, as we know, has been groaning in one great act of giving birth" (Romans 8: 19-22).

Later in the same chapter, he writes: "all things work together for the good for those who love Him" (Romans 8: 28). Every bit of sacrifice that is offered by the faithful is part of the coming to birth of the new creation.

If you are like me, you will be praying that God will send the courage and generosity we need, should he send suffering your way. As for the prayer of saints like St Paul, who actively prayed to share in the suffering of Christ, we must hope that, should Jesus call us to that heroic love, we will accept his call with grace.

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